225 on the sixth day of January

I think it took a solid year to really start thinking about this weight loss thing. I mean, what is weight loss anyway? Is it just the pounds coming off, or is it something more? What emotional work do I need to do simultaneously with pounds shedding off? Is it just about moving more, eating better, or is there something deeper going on when I think about losing weight, or actually lose the weight?

I'm smart, I'm outgoing, I'm pretty. Or at least that's what I tell myself. So how did I gain a total of 100 pounds in 10 years? The freshman fifteen just became the sophomore ten and the junior twelve and the senior nine. It just kept going. Once I was over 180, what's another twenty pounds to two hundred? And once I hit the two hundred mark, I just didn't care.

It's almost like that now, the same process, when I'm losing the weight. My body is going back to the past. I think: the last time I was 225, was probably my first few years of Baltimore. Since then, I gained 13 pounds. I was 238 in January 2009. I've lost those 13 pounds, so now I'm back to age 27-28, still teaching English. What happens when I hit 212? That will bring me further back to age 25, when I first ventured out to Baltimore, when I was scared shitless.

The problem is that I can't attribute my weight, especially my lower weights, to different points in my life. It's going to be hard not to say that I'm reverting back in time, but instead moving forward. The 30 year old Mel that just happens to be 200 pounds is not the same as the 24 year old 200 pound Mel. The 31 year old Mel that just happens to be 170, is not the same Mel that was 19 years old and the same weight. And that's fine with me. I don't want to be that person any longer, but that doesn't mean we can't share the same weight.

My goal is to break 200 before the summer. I have all the tools, blueberry shakes, hummus, knowing when I'm full, group fitness, weight training, support. I've USED all the tools. Now let's just see if I'm up for the challenge of persistence. Maybe I can apply just 23% of the tenacity I used for applying for grad schools or fixing computer issues, for instance, on my health.